my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
