I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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