i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
