The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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