you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
