So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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