I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
