She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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