if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
