i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
