I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
