i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
