i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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