I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
