Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He shit in the fireplace
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
