i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
