I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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