Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
