we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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