Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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