The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
