It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
