My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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