if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
