I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
