This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
