Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Found your dick twin last night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
