we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
