Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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