All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
