I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
