I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
