hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
