my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
