Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
