life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
