Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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