yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
