Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
