How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
