I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
