he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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