tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
