did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize