I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
