I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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