omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I can text with my tongue
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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