I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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