apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
