the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
