I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
