I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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