I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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