What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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