Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
