my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
